Mani
Feniger
Stretching Beyond My Comfort Zone
Posted on June 29, 2012 by Pilgrim Blogger
In May 2009 I packed my bag and flew to Madrid to join the
crew of The Camino Documentary. Nothing could have seemed less plausible
to me. Just a few months earlier, I had turned sixty-four, I was not in great
physical shape, I did not like to fly long distances, I rarely went on a trip
without the companionship of my husband, and I had spent the last year tracking
my daughter’s blood counts and diet as she recovered from a serious health
issue.
But when co-producer Theresa Tollini told me she was going
to Spain to work on a documentary about the people who walk the Camino de
Santiago, and she would like my support, I immediately said “Yes!”
My daughter was healthy and planning a June wedding, and I
was eager to go on with my life. But I carried the stress from the prior months
of worrying and watching and I couldn’t turn the corner to my own new
beginning. I had an insight that the Camino would lead me back to myself.
Little did I know that the greatest lesson I would learn from the Camino was
the blessing that comes from being uncomfortable.
I had expected to help in any way I could, especially
interviewing participants, a role I had played in two other documentary films.
But assisting the producers of a film like The Camino
Documentary meant being ready to do whatever is needed – finding places to
eat, keeping track of pilgrims, carrying equipment, taking notes, handling
money, washing dishes, buying sweatshirts when the weather became unexpectedly
cold and a thousand other tasks, big and small. And the truth is, I was in an
unfamiliar place, didn’t know Spanish, and had never worked on an international
film crew before. I was used to being a competent therapist and writer with a
successful career. I was not used to being a beginner, and I often felt very
insecure—which restaurant would suit a crew of people from several different
countries? How do I find my way back to the film location? This pack is too
heavy. I am too slow.
The experience was humbling and profound. You can stay in
your familiar environment where you feel in control but that is not where you
grow and savor life. I was not always comfortable during the three weeks I
spent with the film crew, but I felt tenderly alive, vulnerable in a way I was
not accustomed to. Maybe that is what the Zen Buddhists mean by Beginner’s
Mind.
I remember a day when the fog rolled in near the top of
the Pyrenees and the world around me felt still and peaceful. I remember a day
when the film crew walked on ahead with the pilgrim they were filming, and I
let myself fall behind and walk by myself for hours. The layers of tension and
worry fell away as I watched the tall grasses blow in the breeze and felt the
solid earth beneath my feet. The days of walking and sharing loosened tight
places in me and made me feel fresh and alive.
When I returned to California, I discovered that my heart
had opened and I looked at all aspects of my life as a pilgrimage. My daughter
and her husband got married a few weeks later in a beautiful garden overlooking
the Santa Ynez Mountains, and as they walked back down the path hand in hand, I
silently whispered to them, “Buen Camino.”
Pilgrim/The Camino Documentary Staffer Mani
Feniger
Author of The Woman in the Photograph
USA
www.manifeniger.com
Walked parts of the Camino during the production phase of The Camino Documentary in 2009.
Author of The Woman in the Photograph
USA
www.manifeniger.com
Walked parts of the Camino during the production phase of The Camino Documentary in 2009.
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